Your one stop harbour.

Starless nights

2008-06-24T00:24:00.008+08:00

Nights like these
drive you crazy;
when even starless skies
mocks
reeking of solitude
and runs away with the moon

Perhaps.

2008-04-15T21:57:00.003+08:00

Hello world. Pardon my disappearance for a couple (months).

Blogging was never an obligation for me, and i say that with apologies, for i doubt it'll ever be. Maybe it should (though i don't see how), but perhaps in knowing my posts live on a certain something for its existence, would aptly explain the lack in its frequency- 'inspiration', they call it.

However with that said, this post is none of inspiration nor motivation; just a mere case of fatigue, frustration and the unfortunate lack of a listening ear.

My life, (or school life rather since there's all there is t it now) has been going downhill. My job, school, dance class, table tennis.. t be entirely honest it'll take superman t cope. And i sure ain't no superman. My mom's making me quit the job at GV. "You can't cope", she says. And perhaps she's right.

Perhaps she's always right. Perhaps I'd prefer t have this honourable gift of thought taken from me- this inquisitive nature t question; t find a reason for everything. Perhaps sometimes things just are. Perhaps sometimes it's okay t follow; t conform; t not stand out. Perhaps it's fortunate not t be that one in a million (that everyone aims t achieve). Perhaps heroes have it hard (and never recognised only till after their deaths). Perhaps regrets are excuses. Perhaps prevention isn't better than cure. Perhaps it's not death that scares us, but the life after (or the lack of). Perhaps t get more, we should expect less. Perhaps all it takes t do more 'Right's, is just t do less 'Wrong's.

Perhaps.

Pet pet.

2008-02-27T23:16:00.002+08:00

Hi, this is zhihao's turtle typing (trust me i took a month t figure out how) , he's dead so send your condolences. Cash will do, but we do accept cheques, visa, what not.

Says Aver.

And i dont know you anymore, or perhaps i never did, before.

2008-02-03T00:55:00.001+08:00

Who was i t think i was different;
Just a page boy- nothing more.

The page boy- the silent role
someone he chanced, a heart he stole
but heart's a heart without its soul
a mere organ you can control

and here he falls, t his knees
this heart he so yearns t please
'No, no' he hears it scream
is it the heart, or is it a dream

Dignity and esteem thus low they lie
how much more before they die
Roses wither for carnations deep,
carnations, carnations, those he'll keep.

But torn away from his grip
carnations removed heap by heap
and with it, a void of anticipation;
an anticipation of a beeping sound
an anticipation- never found.

and here he falls, t his knees-
this time not for a heart t please
but rather a realisation,
a surge of indignation.

Still filled with love
of love and sore
here's an actor that's played out his act;
like an informant that's served out his purpose- wanted no more.

Thrown, stepped and splattered,
all over this cold hard floor,
this life- August 14, 1984.

Who was i t think i was different;
Just a page boy- nothing more.

Why.

2008-01-31T09:08:00.000+08:00

I dont want t post this.

I wish t stop blogging, as i already have- for more than a month now.

But other than God, this is the only place i can settle my emotions in- my thoughts, my feelings, my struggles- there's no one else t talk t. Or rather no one i can open my heart t. Perhaps, not even you.

There lies the irony- the publicity of a blog, and the secrecy of my thoughts.

And this is where i realise how solitudinous i am. People- they're all around me. Friends- they're great company, but the baring of heart and soul- Sorry, i cant do it. Even as of now as i hear the incessant sounds of the keyboard around me in this computer hub, the soft humming of the antiquated air condition- i feel all alone.

For what i've read and for what it's worth- I'm sorry. For now i know it's me you hate- subtle, faint, but that's what i'll take.

God help me. Help you hate me.

Revival.

2007-12-13T11:59:00.000+08:00

Readers discretion: Of the outlets I've been presented, this is probably the best place t put it all. By it i mean my current reflections. Which is also why, this post might be uncomfortable t some, so if you're not Christian perhaps its best you click here.

My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise
become my embrace
t love You from the inside out

Was previously at a crossroad- that internal struggle between my personal ideas and God's will, something which i had so painstakingly accumulated over the years, only t hand it over t God, and trust that He knows what's the best for us- what's best, for me. All this while I've just been a Pseudo-Christian; merely by name, someone who goes t church, says grace, prays, but lives in contrary t God's will. This church camp has changed my life, in ways more than one. Of which I'm glad. Someone once very aptly put that fear is the inability of being in control- of situations, of people, of things- and i think that's essentially what fear is all about. Of not being in control. I used t think that it was impossible, for me t let someone else take over the reigns of my life. Why invite fear into your life? I want t be in control of my life, for it gives me self assurance, and the notion that i am the master of myself and i alone have the mandatory power t choose how i want my life t be led. But then i ask myself, Why do i want t control? What makes me think i have control? If we didn't create ourselves, who did? Our parents? And who created their parents? If i dont have control, who does, and should i fear that being? In my opinion, any kind of fear essentially boils down t my own pride and desire for autonomy- self government. The fact that I've come t realise that autonomy is a mere illusion frees me fully from all these fears... and that's because i believe He who has control over my life does not wish t hurt me, but heal me and protect me, even in the midst of difficult and trying times. (Hebrews 11:1 ) Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And with that faith i can fully hand myself over t Him. And with that faith- however minute it may be- i can do everything.

A trip t the movies

2007-10-29T01:22:00.001+08:00

Seeing people everyday;
watching- as they walk away.

Been on the new job for two days running now. Tiring- got back at half past 3 am last night- but nonetheless rewarding. Golden village's nothing like Thai Pan; more formal, more regulated. You feel -for me at least- more like a working individual rather than a "call and go" worker. The weekly sign-ins for movies and EoM complimentary passes make up for the meagre 4 an hour pay. I'm contented. ^_^ Sort of.

Black court shoes make the feet go sore.

For those who know my location, please do not come and visit/disturb/laugh at me, am pretty much in my own world right now- of people i don't quite know- and not ready for the intervention of familiar faces. Yet.

My movie-buff dream; thank god, for i'm halfway there.

Secrets of an innocent world.

2007-10-12T11:10:00.001+08:00

No hatchery, no plot
of innocence and secrets
pure naivety in thought

No guessing, no doubt
of love and contention
the ignorance of flout

I'm tired of trying, trying t comprehend
those things i don't know, those things i can't understand.
those neuro-mechanisms, within cartilage and skull-
i implore t know why; i seek t know how.

Why can't we be like them-
like how we were at young,
simple, honest, sincere
like the songs, we have sung.

Truth, therefore i ask-
nothing more, alas.
t break me free from these chains of speculation,
these surges of contemplation,
only, for a little more innocence, inside.

Grow old with me.

2007-10-11T23:30:00.001+08:00

That is what learning is-
You suddenly understand something
you've understood all your life, but in a new way.

-Doris Lessing-

And everyday, i learn.
And t hone, t master, the ability t discern-
fact, from fiction.

Alone.

2007-10-10T11:49:00.000+08:00

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

The things i do- some, cant comprehend.
Theories i derive- some, cant understand.
Giving it my all, all for a friend.
and for the mere lock and key theory; fitting in- I pretend.

I always thought I was different, somehow; different from the rest.
Or maybe, I'm just too ordinary- amidst these exceptionals.

My life is hanging on a thread- please don't snap it for me.

2007-10-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

Yes, the exams are over. But the worst, is not.
Yes, papers are laid aside. But my worries, they're not.
T feel stupendously wonderful, absolved with contentment, with jubilation, with delectation- of the things I'm not.
I know, it is no longer a possibility for a TA3 promotion, for mainstream's the only plausible direction; math was a complete failure. Even that does not deny me the liberation of these deadlocks; it is the ambiguity of the latter that scares me most. The uncertainty of those stacked reincarnations that lay amidst it's others- our examination scripts.
Will i even get into the J1 cohort? If i don't, what then?
I have invested adequate, if not ample effort, into the End Of Years, of which i derive minimal comfort and sporadically-bestowed praise from the mother. Effort involved in a transfiguration t knowledge sufficient, but practice, otherwise. I have come t and i must, admit therefore- I have yet t give my all. This could be the beginning, of a future I've never thought of arriving (for the lack of a better word) at. A future, in very much a literal sense, full of shit. And nothingness.

And for tonight only, I turn t pessimism.

Perhaps.

For all students;

2007-09-19T22:41:00.001+08:00

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I t be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not t be?

All of us- from external appearance t superior social status- are incapable of escaping the immutable law of inferior complexity. We correlate ourselves with someone else, usually in possession of qualities most of us refer t as better 'standards', like the hot Zach Effron- his sharp features matched with a nice bod, or like Angelina Jolie- her sassy curves, with those thick, succulent lips. We read fashion magazines, visit forums, purchase posters- and make the obverse comparisons. We laugh at our thighs, at our stupidity, at our lack of success. We elevate the confidence of others, and through so, we extenuate that of ours. All our lives, we strive t be someone else we are not, and by doing so, we gradually lose ourselves.

Are all these- superficial, pessimistic perceptions that make you feel terrible about yourself- worth it?

In truth,
We are beautiful.
We are intelligent.
We are brilliant.
We can be just as perfect as anyone else, in our own individualistic way. Selling a cup of lemonade for its retail price, is as much an entrepreneurial success as starting your own business. Just that slight deference in mindset could change your countenance; mould that frown into a smile, that dejection into confidence.

So why belittle yourself?

Don't, because we're all amazing people.

P.S. This post goes out t all who feels they lack the ability t score well for the promotional exams. You're wrong. Because you can. Good luck.

I just ruined my blog.

2007-09-16T01:52:00.000+08:00

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com


	I, zhihao, being of sound mind, hereby bequeath my entire estate to the Power Rangers. I do this because they are my one true love. My only regret in this life was that all my friends were wankers, yes, that includes you, Sid.

'What will your Last Will and Testament say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

You are Lord Voldemort

You want Harry dead, and you’ve decided that the best way to do that is to kill off all of Harry’s friends one by one, until he has no one left to protect him. But look out, because unlike you, Harry has much more hair. And zhihao says so.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Stupid silly out of my mind stuff. I just ruined my blog.

Your mind, a funny thing.

2007-09-14T14:24:00.000+08:00

Like the sun;
a rise or a set-
that's just your myopic perception.

If the sun never sets,
how then, if i may ask,
does it rise?

The stern definition of what's good and what's bad- that in itself, revolves around the subject of controversy. There is- in my book of facts- no clear distinction between good or bad; it is a mere image which society wants you t perceive, a norm that has been socially accepted for so long, it seems silly t even question it's authenticity. But is it true, really?

That's the question.

You struck lottery- that's a good thing, isn't it?
(Society wants you t think it's a good thing- how else do they get you t buy the tickets)
But... what about greed?
What about being 'down t earth'?
What about the belittlement of the importance of hard work?
What about the notion of 'easy money'?
Now that's bad, isn't it?
So, do you still call it a good thing?

Yes, you do.

Why?
Because you've won the lottery, God damn it, who complains when they win lottery; there's nothing bad in getting more money, is there?
But there is.
There is.
That's the thing, see.
Everyone knows (or they think they do) that there're pros and cons in everything that happens t us. We define something t be good, when it's pros over weighs it's cons, and vice versa, for something bad.
That's it.
That's the particular 'weighing process' that discerns one individual's claim from another.
The process that explains why your mom thinks football is stupid when you clearly don't;
why your school sets regulations about your skirt when you find it utterly silly.
So, there really isn't a clear cut definition.
Good, Bad.
It's all in your head.
Up there.

Taking that everything above is accurate (however minutely possible that might be), and that your mind defines what's good and what's bad, then for that and that alone, I choose optimism, where everything (no matter how terrible) is good eventually. Shit's not getting me down; for

'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.'

The last time i checked, I'm still alive.

It's part of a greater plan. It always is.

2007-09-12T11:31:00.001+08:00

On the cross-
of gore, of blood,
of nails, of pain,
of cruelty,
almost inhumane.
Jesus, his name
unnerved, unstained,
for he died for us-
for our sins, with fain.

I know, i know,
or i think i know.
Come what may,
let it be so,
engulf me whole,
but i'd never,
never let go.

I know; or i think i do; maybe, i just hope i do (yes, hope came back). Whatever I'm going through now, it's happening for a reason- a much larger reason. A reason I believe, attributed to Him. It's possibly due t the recent exposure of films like 'Evan Almighty' and 'Bruce Almighty' that has inclined me t that perception. Life isn't that easy, and you ain't going round getting your prayers just because you want them t happen; it's makes perfect sense t think that He doesn't give you what you want, but rather the opportunity of getting what you want.

And i think, this is an opportunity.

It's funny, because just the day before, i made a prayer before i slept, and on the contrary t what i prayed for, i received (possibly) the veracious opposite. For a moment all i did was t question, deprecate, and ascribe my misfortune t Him. It spoiled my night, for the most part.

And then i thought different;
It meant something else, as i slowly overturned those cynical and blasphemous paradigms, i saw how everything could turn into a chance, into a learning opportunity. I felt much better, after.

So.
The next time something bad happens, don't blame God.
Ask, and you shall receive;
Pray in his name, and he will never deny you.
He'll give you what you want... in due time.

It's all part of a greater plan. It always is.

Hope is not in what I know.

2007-09-10T19:19:00.001+08:00

In days of former precedence
Whenever i encountered a doubt,
a question,
an uncertainty,
i turned t optimism,
t hope, t god, t faith;
a positive anticipation-
a wish,
that the worst wouldn't happen.

Today,
Hope is no longer in what i know.
I can't find it in my head,
in my heart,
nor in my soul.

Too many a time i have been greeted with disappointment,
answered with apologies.
Disappointment-
it has struck me
once,
twice,
thrice.
like a never winning lottery ticket;
slowly even the chance of winning,
however minuscule it might be,
becomes... an impossibility.

You stop buying lottery.
You stop turning t optimism.
You stop believing.
and eventually, like me, now-

You stop hoping.

I remember it well.

2007-09-06T23:28:00.000+08:00

I remember it well,
the year 1936,
ships engorging the docks,
as vessels pass continents-
people flocking the theatres
t watch you play
your august scene;
'The lies of obsolescence'

As the curtains draw,
your enigmatic demeanor
-with it an elucidative carriàge-
puts Shakespeare down upon his knees
you, the discountenancer, triumphant,
as you take center stage
the pedestal beneath your feet,
unreservedly yours.
I remember it well.

The acts played out,
in seven ages,
your exits,
your entrances-
you, the leading protaganist,
you, the adversative antagonist
you; assuming both the role of cast and of crew.
Oh yes, i remember it well.

The curtains coalesce
-a sheet of red-
behind the commoving applause,
of whistles,
of clamor,
superseded by an auricular confession on my left,
'Subliminal performance.'
I pause briefly in aftermath,
that breathtaking éncore-
I remember it well.

The stands clear,
seats empty,
the marking of the end-
the end of the play,
of year 1936.
You waved goodbye,
t faces of enthusiastic crowd
in waves of curtsy
in pulses of bow.
That, i remember it well.

You were 45.
mid-life, gorgeous, charismatic.
Your soul-sundering pair of blue-
I remember it well.

The year 1946
ships scarce; none in sight
docks empty; void of light
only through the filter of neon signboards-
your august play;
'The lies of obsolescence'
still carried on.

I remember it well.
The curtains coalesce,
-a sheet of maroon-
behind vague claps of silence
deafening in its context;
no shouts,
no applause,
no éncore.

The irony of your last act,
'The lies of obsolescence' ;
as gradual transformation take its place,
the highest notch of roleplay,
when you and play become one;
Obsolete.
I remember it well-
I remember, you were forgotten.

A simple lesson drawn : Whatever you possess is temporal. It may be long-lasting, assuring while it still exists, but never eternal. There can never be a forever; humans remain, unfortunately (or fortunately, if you ask me) mortal. Death draws a line, however fine you may perceive it t be- perhaps in your aspects of the afterlife. It puts an end, even if for the most minute second, t whatever you own, whatever you've achieved. This does not apply merely t the silly defects of materialistic possessions. Ideologies, emotions, and even something as great as love comes t an end when you depart; a dead mind does not have the ability t think nor feel. We are- as are all other human beings- but a living entity; clasped in books of history if you're significant enough, but when life as we know it ends, we cease in existence t our present world. We may be remembered a little, for a while- grieved over, perhaps- but eventually, at the very very end of time... we, are forgotten.

We will be forgotten- that's an unspoken truth- but honestly, do we care?
No.
Maybe infinitesimally, yes, we feel an inexplicable tingle of unjust, for the massive belittlement of our individualistic presence, but in all truth- i can assure you- that doesn't matter.
It doesn't.

For years, millions have tried thrusting their names upon the glamour of "Guinness World Records" or history texts; books which might leave a trace of their once, minuscule existence in years t come.

History? -laughs- It could be as much of a hoax as the man next door being President of India. History's written by victors... so the extent of truth? Not reliable.

Why then, may i ask, would people want t do that?
(The following part is pretty controversial, just my two cents worth.)

These are the people, who are terribly unsatisfied with their lives. They wish t be remembered; t show others how wonderful (or shitty, really) their lives were. T be held in high esteem, maybe, for things that they might or might not have done. These are the people who require evidential proof as t how amazing their life is. It explains their lack of meaning and their overwhelming need for constant reassurance as t how their life should be led. I dare say this, for a person who has led his/her life with satisfaction, wouldn't see the need in seeking substantial proof for their wonderful years spent here, in mortality; they are clear of what they have, and they are contented.

Bottomline: Cherish whatever you have- it won't be eternal, it won't last forever, but it's as real as it gets- for real things don't last.

Let's embrace death; the dawn of a new life.

Mentos- the freshmaker.

2007-09-04T22:23:00.000+08:00

How does it feel t know you're everything i need
the butterflies in my stomach
they could bring me t my knees.

How does it feel t know you're everything i want
the intertwinement of fingers
a fleeting moment, a short linger.

How does it feel t know you're everything i love
that goosebump infested embrace
that kiss, upon your face.

these are the moments i live for-
the moments, i adore.

Let it fall.

2007-09-04T11:42:00.001+08:00

Hanging like a dead weight,
firmly attached t the floor;
the truth staring in my face
my college sophomore.

Drenched, wet, and cold;
Arid, dry, and warm.
'pitter patter pitter patter',
down the window pane.
for words are right t say,
bodies get sunshine through the rain.

it's funny, now asked,
what those few words can do.
a silent seal of promise
and i, belong t you.

(; good bye, mr marcus tan. last night would be the last, for at least a year. and till we meet again, i wish you, the best of the leprechaun's luck.

Aim a little higher.

2007-09-03T00:59:00.001+08:00

Of tranquility; and of pulsation
Of happiness; and of anticipation
Of heaven; but that's where it ends.
That blurring distinction between pain and pleasure-
No hell, just heaven; heaven here, on earth.

Any kind of expression with regards t my innerthoughts, wouldn't be in the form of words; they wouldn't mean half a thing.

It's impossible not t believe in fate; it hits you (without direct contact) where the jaws drop: the rendezvous of the unexpected and the unbelievable. Without it, coincidences remain as accidents, cases of fortuitous events and the unexpected, gradually become the unexplained. Fate, unravels it all. Pre-arrangement; a very simple conclusion and understanding, yet not illogical enough for you t doubt its existence.

A hundred dollars; wakeboarding- a worthy investment. In ways, more than one. And t think just that little course number made the difference.
All the difference in the world, don't you think.

I'd say it wasn't fate
but really, who'd believe me?

If you were t hit the mark, you must aim a little above it; every arrow that flies feels the attraction of the earth.

Some strength, that's all it takes.

2007-09-01T11:53:00.001+08:00

Of lightyear speeds,
of heightened leaps;
too fast for me t grasp,
too high for me t have-
but held it, i did,
that, remarkable feat.
and i'm glad it happened, somehow,
for sweetheart, it's all okay now.

Terribly busy week.
Making through these wasn't easy: Getting caught for inappropriate attire in the morning, the wakeboarding sessions, the rain, horrible emcee-ship, stage frights, rehearsals, awful blazers- but i got through that. Half the time was of dread, swearwords and memory; the other half, of excitement, anticipation, and insanity. When light blares upon you, amidst the bright-dark visual readjustments, faces form -in multiples of hundreds- and pupils dilate, heartbeat doubles. Not quite the adrenaline rush, not quite the nervous fuss; more of unexplainable, more of unforgettable. The experience -not fame, not pride, not the necessity of acceding t requests- i later realised, was all i was up there for. The possibly once-in-a-lifetime, intangible experience.

Loved yesterday.
Went back t KongHwa Primary, after close t half a decade, i suspect, and i wish i had gone back earlier. The place brought back memories; more so than anywhere else, with all extents of truth as proof. With almost every step i took, i felt as though i was retracing my steps; the life i once had lived, the place i had once stepped into, every single day. Reminisce struck further when i found out my former primary teacher was still working in the premises. Maybe it was a stroke of luck, or maybe it was god's will; i managed t climb t the fourth floor, without being stopped or questioned by any operation personnel where i soon met her, -still looking as kind and demure- Mrs Sandra Lim. She turned t me, and asked me, "Yes?" Clearly, she didn't recognise me. It was perhaps disappointment or just a certain loss of identity that made my heart sank, but when i told her my name my heart went back up the right direction. The following moments were occupied by courtesy and laughter- the usual things asked when two individuals meet after a long separation. It was different, speaking t her now, like an adult, and it was obvious -through her evidently older complexion- that she saw me too, no longer as the kid i once was.
...
It was only then i realised how much i actually miss this place, amongst all its unhappiness and cruel memories; they were the gradual factors that made me, me. The school- i later found out- was scheduled t be torn down next year to be rebuilt. The impromptu decision t go back this year turned out t be of bliss and perhaps a little coincidence; i'd have never been able t feel this way if i went back any later, for the school i knew it for, would no longer be there. And that, i have someone t thank, for without, i would never have gotten near the area in the first place. Thank you. ^_^

Everything after that, was close t perfection.

You are alive.

2007-08-25T01:57:00.001+08:00

Pursuits of money, fame, career-
swift chases of the wind.
Placed upon the platform;
the pedestal of mortal sins.
Invading the minds of youths
as the future narrowly dims.
Materialistic ideals, loss of purpose, and void of meaning-
the epitome of a dead life;
a sudden dawning-
Yes, you are alive.
Yet dead, before you arrive.

Have finally gotten rid of 'lifedontexist', after long last. It's even grammatically erred (and so i've noticed). It's been there for almost three whole years now (WHAT? THREE YEARS?!) - i never got down t changing it, but now i have. As for the email... i think i'd stay a wizard for now; altering email addresses are too much of a hassle, honestly.

The point really is (as i've realised), life does exist. Though more often than not, only in its most apprehensively literal form, and unfortunately not in all possible contexts of the word. We are all alive. We breath, we function. For the most part, we see, we speak, we hear. We sing, we laugh, we eat. But do we live? Do we -in all truths, hallelujah- live? Life is more than just breathing, watching, and grate. It is more than just Chanel, Prada and Gucci; it involves depth, meaning, thought. A life without a purpose is but a knife without a blade; pointless.

Here's my imploration- Live.

over a cup of long black- let's talk about our death.

2007-08-21T23:43:00.000+08:00

Through the gates of heaven;
the way down need not lead t hell.
Conformity seizes individualism.
Populistic perception -as we see it- kills us all.
I don't want t be.
I recognise my difference- in ideas, in views, in life.
Yet I can never break away.
Merely for two words - social suicide.

Sports and society.
Of two cohorts.
12 people-
You.
The odds?
Jesus.

And i find, with gradual increment, i am alone.

The story that started; and ended, even before, intermission.

2007-08-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

There's nothing i can do t get close t you; neither lingual nor textual works- as i've tried- which i want t, for the very two words- 'regret' and 'waste', and thus for now, till otherwise, i take on the stint of the paige boy- the silent role. (Until, and only until, you realise.)

The Little Runner Girl

He caught her by the hand as she passed the corridor; it was almost three weeks since they last spoke.

"What do you want?" She snapped.

She had earlier told him that he was mistaken when he professed that he liked her.

"Just a word, with you." He replied, calmly.

----

"What'd you reckon about your life so far?"

He broke the silence that had ensued ever since they had arrived at the cafe.

"Nothing", She said quickly.

"Nothing?" He asked.

She paused for a moment.

"Well, looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so."

"I love you."

"What?"

She was astounded.

"I love you."

The remaining moments creeped along with silence.

It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun.
And that, he knew.

"I thought i told you it was impossible, you're just a friend!" She cried.

"And i am a friend; i seek no reciprocation, no understanding, no action."

"So what then, do you want?"

"I just wanted you t know; and that i'm here -as i've said- always, if you ever needed me, only t be there for you-"

He paused, " -which i couldn't do, if you kept avoiding me."

"I'm not avoiding-"

"You kept me at a distance."

She became silent.

inspired by a true story`

2007-08-12T22:41:00.000+08:00

This is a story of a girl.
and of temptation, of reflection, of innocence.

The story sets its stage somewhere in the eastern south central of the United States, under the memphis jurisdiction- there lived a girl, eight; barely a teenager. She was a good student, filial, but relatively poor. She was brought up with a set of proper values- but as were all teens- she was confused. Adolescence, in its early stages, where the mind has yet t reach its state of maturity (even in the later stages this might not prove so) was a time of guesswork; without the love of her mother (whom had unfortunately passed away when the girl was 3) and her father, the breadwinner, being so ever often out, she gained much of her morality through the concepts commonly accepted by society; of which she had slowly, placed the existence of her social life on a subconscious pedestal- known as conformity.

There came a day when her friends had planned t attend a mini evening ball- an annual event of grandeur consisting of children of the upper class. She had much awaited this night, but unfortunately, she didnt have a gown, not a dress even, that was suitable for the event. Her friends had been giving her the cold shoulder ever since they knew this; they were nothing more than superficial and shallow acquaintances. Chameleons, rather- their ability of quick, non-fathomable facial and ideological changes, which in certain states, would be considered an art. She had thus been tempted, time and again, t steal from her father whenever the man was asleep. The final straw came when she walked into a boutique, merely glancing at the dresses she so very badly wanted, only t be scorned and chased away by the saleslady, who made it absolutely clear she was a child and didnt look like she could afford anything there.

She got the dress, after much apologies from the salesgirl of the day before and went t the ball with a terribly great sense of satisfaction. Her friends were in awe, for her gown was glamorous, and much of the limelight fell on the little girl that evening.

Her father was waiting for her when she got home that night.

He was furious. Never had he expected his little girl, one he had so highly adored, stealing from him, a whole three hundred, too! He took her hands, and tied them tightly together, following which, leaving the house t drown himself in sorrows from raising a bad child.

He was away for the entire night, and it wasn't until the following noon did he return. All this while the girl was alone at home, hands still tied firmly together. A good 14 hours. Her father got home, reeking strongly of alcohol, and found her daughter lying on the floor, face sheet white, hands purple; rotten hands, due t the lack of blood flow. He sobered almost immediately, and rushed the poor girl t the hospital.

The doctor told him it had been too long, and her limbs were no longer functioning; she had t amputate her hands. His heart collapsed as soon as those words left the doctor. The girl was only eight.

Two weeks after the amputation, the girl told her father, "Daddy, i'm so sorry i took your money. I promise, i promise, when i grow up, i'll give you back the money, and when i do.."
She paused, "Can you give me back my hands?"
The words came out of her mouth the very same time tears streaked down the sullen cheeks of her father.

He committed suicide two days later.

house of sand and fog

2007-08-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

Beneath the mercurial obscurity,
lies a future of infinite possibilities
of dreams, of hopes, of life; Of home.

Was yesterday home alone; one of the rare exceptions where everyone, even the maid, was out. Took it t myself t do something productive- grabbed the towel, the keys and headed downstairs.
The pool was inviting -naturally- and i couldn't stand another minute of the windy chill (the weather was surprisingly cold given the intensity of the sun). *splash of water* Amidst the occassional strokes of aquatic movements, a thought struck me of what would be something of immense hilarity- i played dead. For a minute and a half i was cut off from oxygen, floating like a corpse, in the most literal context possible. Even then i was almost out of breath (for i didnt take a full gulp of air). That was when a man, or a lady (i couldnt tell then) tried t grab me t shore and a terrible case of resuscitation action ensued. The man, i later found out, was so strong, he practically strangled me while getting me on shore, which of course led t my further lack of breath; he tried t perform a mouth t mouth. Of all creepy crawlies and supernatural fiends i could not imagine, even for a second, how it felt like t kiss a guy. Luckily for me i regained composure and coughed water -where the water came from i had not the faintest idea- and there was about half a dozen people standing around me; it was a terribly awkward moment. I burst out laughing, for the weirdest reason somewhat, followed by resounding echoes of delight from the six individuals who were still looking at me with much interest.

Crazy sunday. Oh, and i didn't attend school today- im sick. Get well soon, myself, for the doctors can't save me now. I'm too tired t reply Grace- sorry you, will do so, as soon as possible.

Again, one of those insane prepositions of the motion 'life don't exist' ... this house believes that life is nothing more than a fleeting entity, pass it will, in a blink of an eye; but wait, isn't that of contradictory conjunction- that it does exist?

Bullshit.

its not mine t make- its yours t take.

2007-08-01T17:40:00.000+08:00

To Ms Lily Evans:

I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling
until all the feeling has gone.
And for you t know-
friends, we've become.

8 weeks, 53 days, 1272 hours, 76320 minutes left.
And counting.
Honestly require a final form of motivation; something which is able t last. Circumstances, they tell so much- i am but forced t admit, i lack a disciplined mind. I have been impeded by every possible thing i have so solemnly sworn against. Is it testament t my weakness? Or is this truly part of God's plan- the one where i fail? Little by little, things get me carried away, drifting me, anything but closer, t the futuristic vision i have of every night; that vehement realisation of finding myself opening my eyes t a morning of bustling, city life- of street lights, of duplexes, of snow and bells, of mist and unconditioned weather- where i find myself, away from home, in the city of newyork. Please, Teo Zhi Hao (of the many posts by far the first) 'get your act together'. Isn't that of staunch motivation itself? Yes, it has t be. No, it must be. This is for yourself, not your father, nor your mother, nor anyone in particular.
Yourself. Yourself.

I ask in Your name, give me strength and wisdom t do what's right, and for Marcus Tan t teach in our class again.

Amen.

let me disappear into the rain

2007-07-29T17:48:00.000+08:00

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and
watching it fall,
You've been closing me in,
closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and
watching it all fall apart.

No significant amount of words, of pen and paper, can describe the overwhelm of emotions i am going through now. I have lost all that remains of my faith- and i will never trust a female, again;
I was struck, a death blow.

Of prophetic lines`

2007-07-26T22:43:00.000+08:00

He motioned her closer,
for now he was too weak t even speak
She held him close in her arms-
she realised she had never done so before-
And as he drew his last breath;
those last words reverberated the desolate halls of the medical sepulchre:
'If only, you'd given me a chance.'
Leaving nothing in his place but that,
of a tear.

Erasio Memorio

2007-07-25T17:00:00.000+08:00

Dissociative identity disorder (DID)- a mental condition whereby a single individual evidences two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.

Otherwise also, an apt solution t the current situation.

Taking it t be entirely honest, it would be a decent idea t have two individualistic replicas of myself-
one unaffected by the other.
I like t think i have control over my thoughts and emotions, until what i have recently found, with most misfortune, t be terribly impossible.
That very much reflects on the way i act, the attention i give, and the things i do (which all fall under the same category- my life!).
Have therefore engaged myself in various activities which, i had hoped, would divert my attention from basically, everything else.
Following a series of failed attempts,
i have went on t read about books like 'how t deal' and 'managing your life' which have since made me feel more revulsed by reminding me how i would rather throw away my money than purchase such rubbish (which i have made a mental note never t happen, ever again.)

That has left me where i started.

If a mental condition is the answer t it all, please, let it happen-
For pain and torture are two things i'd very much prefer not t encounter.

cross my heart; tell no lies

2007-07-24T00:20:00.000+08:00

What happens of a man- one of whom, has lost all credibility? Does he grow old that way- with no one t care and no one t love, with no one t trust him? Does he spend the rest of his years, lonely, staring out at the sea, hoping, wishing, waiting? Does he take with him, buried under soil and white marble, the consequences for (like everyone else) the tendecy t falter in the early stages of adolescence? What happens t a man of such, i know not. What i know, alas, is the erect of the era we live in, one of immense unforgiveness, where the condoning of mistakes would be akin t losing the ability t cleanse oneself or t 'self purge'. More often that not, your past actions seem repeatedly drilled into your head, creating a barrier (invisible, although visible at the same time) re-evaluating your self-worth, and of course, the meanings of your promises.
'Promises mean nothing.' 'nothing', she says.

Death comes t all; it is hardly surprising, but solitude makes death seem a lucrative alternative. Some people choose t be alone; others, cursed. Cursed by acts of childish infidelity, losing their trustworthiness over a simple notion- (thinking back) of now an obviously shallow ridicule. Its funny how an act or two, sometimes by observation, or mere intuition, can barr a person from basic human relation trust and discredit so much of his/her words. Without trust, there is no possibility of harmonious cohabitation.

Its not too late t realise, within this society of mistrust,

Your credibility counts.

And redblooddrop, mine will.

You'll see.

if you get me, 'mary'.

2007-07-21T10:10:00.000+08:00

its always the distance that sets us apart-
that literal measure of how far one is from another, at times due t the slight hindrance of a fogging rumour, the disbelief of one's ability t change/mature, or a subconcious observation that shaped into a seemingly 'general' stereotype, maybe the the figurative extension of the parents' body length-forming a path so long it seems mental just attempting t take that one little step- or of course, the metaphorical distance of futuristic goals and -on a more present note- schoolwork.

but more often than not, you find that its all in your head, for the eyes see what the mind seeks; its actually a little more beautiful than you thought it t be. And, a little 'closer' t the heart.
People change, and sometimes,
all it takes is t believe.

Give blood

2007-07-21T09:54:00.000+08:00

have currently lost the use of my right hand- still very much incapable of its former agility- which makes me somewhat a left hander, for now, till i get my right back. Silly, now t think of it, that i didnt request t have the blood extracted from my left instead. An honest regret of decision, really, considering i am nothing close t being ambidextrous- i remain faithfully a right hander- i am therefore incapable of doing anything that involves the intricate skill of a proper hand. However, blood donation still is, despite the incovenience it has brought me, a very self gratifying 'thing' t do- it helps that i actually touched my own packet of blood (it looked pretty dark) and hearing the nurse say,
"You just saved three lives."

Picture it for a moment.
Yes, i thought so.

Last night was,
funny.
(nothing short of serious, though.)

untitled

2007-07-20T00:14:00.000+08:00

like any other photograph, its more than just the image.
and like any bestseller, its more than just the story.

what you need is a hot cup of espresso and a slice of newyork cheesecake, with a slight touch of the jazzy blues, up at brew and groove's.
cheer up gwen. (:

all that's left

2007-07-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

love all, trust a few.

Happyness

2007-07-11T17:29:00.000+08:00

Of silver linings in clouds, is that what life is all about

Its perpetually impossible t keep up with optimism, for the very fact that it kills you, just knowing you have t rely on it t make yourself feel that teeny wince better(which is, unfortunately, often short lived). Optimism really, merely sets the stage for greater disappointment and that in a sense, makes pessimism a terribly better choice when it comes down t options for perception. I'd like t think that a happy person is often self deceived, because there is, with all due respect, little or no happiness to speak of, but purely 'ideas' of happiness based on personal definitions.

Then again, on a more enigmatic note, what in the steaming world is happiness?

Studies, my love,
oh yes im coming for you.
and note,
Its a little more than just the sky im aiming for;
if you realise, for the sky isn't any brighter than cold, hard floor.

Can you feel the love tonight`

2007-07-10T21:12:00.000+08:00

Here's an excerpt of something i thought, was rather beautiful, though honestly i couldnt remember the exact words, it went something like this:

Many people walk in and out of your life,
but only the true ones will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is merely one letter short of danger
If someone betrays you once, it's his fault;
If someone betrays you twice, it's yours.

The great mind discuss ideas;
The average mind discuss events;
The little mind discuss people.

He, who loses money, loses much.
He, who loses a friend, loses much more.
And He, who loses faith, loses all.

There are millions of beautiful young people,
each of them, accidents of nature;
but beautiful old people, past mere superficiality;
those are the ones that are works of art.

Friends, you and me,
You brought another friend,
and then there were three.
We started a group,
our circle-
circle of friends.
And like that circle,
There is no beginning and no end.

Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift,
that is why we call it the present.

Cherish your friends.
They might be the only thing worthy of remembrance in our less than pathetic lives.

I wish

2007-07-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

Probably the best picture t ever describe the word

A brief look out of the window on the last bus back from queensway got me thinking. That same sensation of living with a meaning; or that of inspiration of some sort, essentially just, a prohibitively different life as that of the present, strikes me. (I find it strange), for everytime this happens, a distinct feeling of morbid envy unleashes within me, and everytime, i seek t change. But of course, i can never grasp this feeling, hard enough for me not t let it go. It is with no doubt at all that knowledge does not equate t application and i, with the intellect of differing right from wrong similarly have neither the power nor the will t apply that sense of knowledge.
I wish t hold on t that feeling, that feeling of inspirational change (for inspiration is powerful)- not immediately, but maybe with gradual increment, soon enough i'll make that desirable life, my own.

It's about time i put aside this procrastination and start doing something in order for any form of change t happen. Afterall, this is my life we're talking about.

Wish me luck.

hell of a magical july.

2007-07-03T20:12:00.000+08:00

Sirius black, the official wanted poster.

Got this couple of days back at esplanade for about a quarter of a hundred bucks. My initial thought was it came together with a frame (would have been grateful for one of some sort) but on the contrary, no. A simple one costed 70 dollars, which of course there was no possible way of me, affording that.

The poster has since settled very nicely in my cupboard, somewhere, till further notice. (Sorry Gary Oldman, please put up with it for awhile.)

I've taken out all my harry potter books, read and re-read them. All that's left is the grand arrival. Both of huge screens and paperbacks.

it might have been.

2007-06-27T09:29:00.001+08:00

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

This remains, till this day, my favourite of quotes.

Picture this:
You saunter down orchard boulevard, taking a slight halt at the junction. You're at a technical crossroad; will it be left, or right? Amidst what some people would refer t as decision making, you caught eye of a girl, merely steps away from you. You looked at her; she glanced back. It could be the terrible sweatshirt you're wearing, but it didn't occur t you then. There was a momentary pause, the mercurial pace of the city didnt stop- she stopped, and so did you. It was almost like a telepathic recognition; beyond the superficiality of appearance and wit; the possible intersection of the lives of two strangers- friends rather, who merely just didnt quite know each other t begin with.

But time, being its transient self, forbids the lingering of such a moment. The green man(along with its flashing indication) you soon discover the unknowing movement of your feet- and that that moment, is gone. You could have done something, something that would reflect less on your idiocy and possibly more on your reflex. But no, you let it pass. You start t think t yourself, what if i had stopped? what if i had said something- anything? what if?

You dont get that circadianly in a lifetime, probably only a couple-

Or once.

a world declaration

2007-06-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

people, they make you, or break you.

Remember, remember,

the fifth of november

the Gunpowder Treason and plot,
i know of no reason why
the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

V for Vendetta yesternight was really good. Uniquely brilliant, nothing short. The kind of film that keeps you thinking. V- He's poetic, intelligent, compassionate yet ruthless all at the same time. Hell, even his name explores a certain sense of awe under that subtle simplicity. I doubt the oddly common question ever appeared in my mind throughout-
when is the show going t end?

My advice? Watch it.

Biology and History today. Putting them together? You have got t be kidding. Let's just say i'll have t try harder at the end of the year, if i ever even think about getting an average GPA of 2. Apart from certain inconvenience- the hair and piercings- am actually anticipative of the new term;
i know this time, everything will be different.

(Guess what) Here's a global shoutout:

Taking gaming off the charts, for real,

possibly the umpteenth time, truth be told

but with some luck,

procrastination will not get the better of me

no, i mean, get the hell out of my life.

turning t essentially healthier options;

it's finally time t put those words t action
So,

As of this day, my fellow friends and I have one less thing t talk about- dota.

Harry Potter is hitting the screens.
My excitement is officially off the richter scale.
Oh and if you're thinking Harry Potter's 'yesterday', you're hell wrong.

of photographs

2007-06-23T11:22:00.000+08:00

consequences; they follow with every decision.

Have recently found it in myself, an immense attraction t photographs taken in black and white. There is something far deeper than its superficial contrast of the two extreme tones and occasional shades of grey. I am hardly much of a photographer, but a definitive photography appreciate; i could stare at a picture in the morning trying t figure what the photographer was trying t portray when he took the shot, only t be conscious t the fact that the sky has already turned a crimson red. However i find, it is most unlikely for me t ever explore that area of expertise- i doubt i have the patience nor the time for something so.. i dont know.

and t find beauty in destruction- a sin?

new york new york;

they say the stars are a little brighter, the moon's a little rounder, and even the fish and chips are a tad larger in proportion, there.

but this is why i like it there.

the crescent moon, the starless sky, but more importantly, the imperfection of it all;
for perfection gives no room for improvement

and plenty for conceit.

2007-06-17T21:20:00.000+08:00

that of pursuit, inquiry
and of reasoning

Found myself in a state of sublimity, which didn't last very long as soon as consciousness settled in; i woke up t the soft consonance of melody and voice, very evidently from one of the old records i must have put on earlier. Without glasses i very quickly skimmed the room and found myself staring right back at me; the parents had gone overseas and were only scheduled t return the following sunday. Having taken over the parents' room (now settled very nicely on the king-sized berth staring blankly at the ceiling),
what was i t do?

The american university goal still holds- essentially the only thing left working for- so why, then am i not putting my head t shitloads of papers and words? Perhaps i dont want t do this alone, perhaps im tired of visiting cinemas with a ticket for one, perhaps im sick of this solitude,

The question is, 'Am i, really?'
Nah.

With people walking in and out of my life this easy, it figures t think, it's hardly anything worth keeping.

(the record still playing in the background) i brought them biology notes t my face- knowledge, in forms of paper, my passport, my future.

Im heading out alone, so embrace me,
american dream.

you were the navigator

2007-06-15T19:54:00.001+08:00

/and i wonder, what'll it be like t stop breathing forever.

nothing lasts forever,

so when will it end?

then, what?

and your exit seems so effortless, so mean.

2007-06-14T09:48:00.000+08:00

third time this month im watching the same movie twice
and its not like any of them's worth double the price-
maybe four thirds, y'knw, but not double.
terribly broke.

im a wreck.

had thaipan two days straight
currently weighing at fifty-eight;
laying off food for awhile- terrible stomachache

im a wreck.

dyed my hair. again, two nights ago. decent colour, relatively brown-er
though i'd probably never get through tong, daniel, or any disciplinary personnel.

im a wreck.

with the inclusion of today, i have eleven days t prepare for the jcts.
(which i have not, i repeat, not started at all.)

im a wreck.

and because of you
im a wreck.

that's five wrecks in a single post.
sufficient enough t disrupt my entire chi flow
which just might lead t mascularinvectocitis
(currently no cure for that, i checked.)

in short- im screwed.

two more weeks.

2007-06-11T13:20:00.001+08:00

the workload- still untouched.
im trying, very hard, t get down t it.
'soon', cries procrastination.
soon.
from here on, im taking it slow.

it isn't easy,
and i look forward t the day
i can say
'im over you.'

and there it goes.

2007-06-08T23:46:00.000+08:00

i guess that just proved me right.

the feeling still lingers on
but like the starry night-
it'll never get past dawn

it was nice knowing you.

its all very beautiful.

2007-06-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

i was foolish not t see,
you were one miracle never for me

Jolene Tan Shi Yun-

you were and are my one motivation

-my ordinary miracle.

maybe its time t let that go.

shadows are part of the illusion`

2007-06-03T11:21:00.000+08:00

i dont think you understand what's going through my mind now
im tired of all the guessing
i lied
i cant read your mind

so take me back
t the time of slow rock and rhythmic soul
t my idyllic escape
a dimension of control
where my heart doesn't get t decide

then honestly
how am i supposed t carry on
when all that i've been living for, is gone.

i miss you- but i know, that's just a one way ticket.
one way.

When a man loves a woman`

2007-06-02T21:07:00.001+08:00

When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothing else
He’d trade the world
For a good thing he’s found
If she is bad, he can’t see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way
It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I got
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don’t treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He’s the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
’cause baby, baby, baby
I am a man

-michael bolton

now come back home`

2007-06-01T14:39:00.000+08:00

my sister, is no doubt the hottest dancer of the century.
and i, the greatest liar.
just kidding. (:
well done, sis.

time now: 2.39pm
days since last post: 5
time since last post: 5 days, 1 hour.

'i have, known you, for 5 days, an hour'

the coincidence.

or otherwise known as, fate.

deck the halls, the hol's are here.

2007-05-27T13:39:00.001+08:00

Alas. the june holidays.
long awaited, though the year's been fairly fast, t be entirely honest.
nevertheless, it wasn't nearly what i expected.

no big hoohas
no shouts
no screams
no yipee-dee-doos

which really means the same thing-
no explicit forms of happiness, so t speak.
it's probably the JCT, that's such a joy buster.

this mid term arrival passed so subtlely, for some reason, which kills the anticipation, really.
but, whatever.

got the other ear pierced,
in house dye job pretty much of a failure-
considering the brown only shows under the light,
caught pirates twice, in two days
and orlando bloom is still fucking hot.
(im very clear of my sexual orientation, thank you.)
which is also why kiera knightley is a slut-
for kissing a random white haired ape.
and..
i loved these two days, if anything.
thank you. (:

five days
120 hours
7200 minutes
432000 seconds
that's a long time.
im gonna miss you.

what i did

2007-05-23T20:35:00.000+08:00

and it hurts me more than you'll ever know.

im sorry. i didn't mean for it t be this way.

when the world came crashing down

2007-05-18T18:29:00.000+08:00

tonight, Gabrielle died. taking along everything i ever had, have or will ever have, with it. till the end it was probably never reciprocated. but one thing remained- my love for her; though she never did like t hear those words.

this love has clearly transcended stubbornness- its fastened, locked firmly somewhere, within the depths of my soul.
the heart bleeds with every pulsation
for you and you alone hold the key
t every rupture; and rapture-
loving you, is a curse im willing t take,
for the rest of my life.
im sorry,
i'll take no other,
for this stupid love is here t stay.

love; i hate the word, but that's the only verb apt enough, t describe my affection for you.

one word-sigh.

2007-05-18T14:53:00.000+08:00

i thought there was something;
that you felt something.
i guess i was wrong.

in the end,
i dont mean anything at all.
anything, at all.

how could something that felt so right(that night)
go so wrong.
i wished it wasn't true,
but all your actions pointed it to.
tell me,
was it something that i did
or something that i said
t sow this seed of hope-
hope that never grew.

the only thing left t do
is t tell you-
i was true.
girl, it really was,
all about you.

Cold but wonderful.

2007-05-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

as he drew near, with it in his hand
that look on her face,
flushed with red- still evidently happy,
bridged later by a 'thank you.'
and that was when he knew
it was all worth it.
and that was all he needed t know,
on a cold, wonderful wednesday.
-it was worth it.

tonight she planted a seed in his heart.
a seed, of hope.

/putting everything right again.

2007-05-13T20:05:00.000+08:00

I've never given so much for a person, not even the ex lover-sadly, and ironically gotten so little. Im never the one t be this nice, it just isn't me, and perhaps, just perhaps, being this nice has contributed (one way or another) t the loss, of that particular sense of adrenaline rush and the guessing element in any courtship. Which, if its the case, i think, would be the biggest mistake of my lifetime. I would do anything t make this work.
Anything.

Nevertheless.
Thank you for the good memories.
and sorry for the bad ones, if any.

im still missing you, badly.

love

2007-05-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.
Meanwhile these three remain; faith hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."
-corinthians 13

love does not have prerequisites. you could be mentally impaired- and you could love.

i could stand here, and love you from afar; or next t you, and it wouldn't make hell of a difference.
that's because i love you, and love doesnt seek t possess.

give me a chance, and i'll give you,
a tale of a lifetime.

a blatant confession t you, jt.

2007-05-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

i used t live for the momentary heaven;
when i get t see you everyday, below your place.
but today, its been taken away from me,
that bitter rejection.
with that gone, what then,
should i be living for?

the reminiscence?

even then, my love stands strong with unwaivering faith. Yes- love.

the three words i once swore never t use, ever again-
i love you.

struck down

2007-05-10T12:29:00.000+08:00

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages."
-William Shakespeare

i wish i were a psychologist-
i'd be able t read your mind, t implore the thoughts within that skull, t know, what exactly could you be thinking.
i wish i were a cardiologist-
i'd be able t open your heart, and maybe find out the place i stand, within that meagre size of a fist.
i wish i were a magician-
i'd be able t conjure spells, and infuse them inside your thoughts.
i wish i were god-
i'd be able t create miracles and maybe in all my glory (amen), i could change everything.

i wish for all these, and so much more.
but alas, im nothing, nothing i ask for.

what part am i playing now?
the lover- the silent role.

dream

2007-05-09T10:39:00.000+08:00

i had a dream-
i dreamt of you.

the silence of the darkness
broken by a glimmer of light
amidst the illumination
that slim silhouette
enunciating the curves of a lady
emerging from the fog-
the mixture of water and air
that striking resemblance..
of you.
and as you drew closer
our distance got further
for between us
a word encapsulating barrier stood;
jealousy
indifference
him
and probably a vacuum-
nothing at all.
and so i held your hand
with hope in my heart
to bring it all together again.

last night
i had a dream,
a dream of you.

this, is for you.

2007-05-02T00:10:00.000+08:00

you know (or at least i hope you do)
that i didnt mean for this t happen
especially when,
just a couple of minutes back
everything was fine.
i wish, for the millionth time
i could take back the words
and maybe
things wouldn't be so bad.
at least,
your hostility wouldn't be killing me.
in any case,

im sorry.

im not well enough for school tomorrow.
not well enough at all.

unexpected.

2007-04-30T11:05:00.000+08:00

thank you mr marcus tan.

for making my screwed up day a hell lot better.

little gestures like these (though oftenly unnoticed) see me through everyday.

thank you.

its all i know.

2007-04-27T11:30:00.000+08:00

a quick descent
followed by a distinct thud.

with eyes open (for the last time)
capturing the world like a photograph.
before battered eye lids shut-
an eternal goodbye.

i bid you adieu.

it's pointless. and im tired. but i'm still waiting.

this is hilarious.

2007-04-22T19:03:00.000+08:00

a couple of days back, yuhang ellery and i went t coldstorage.

and we saw britney's YOUNGer brother! he hardly looks like her, i swear.

and her pretty dog! just that it got mashed up, some how. :/

so we were going on about how we could make our chicken rice taste really good. and we decided the best way would be t

yes spam garlic!

spam spam spam. then we got tired from all the spamming.

so we all decided t do pull ups!

BUT WE COULDN'T. which is why we became all

yeah, we went all emo. =(
(yimoo pantyliners, the one and only. :D)

butbut, there's no need t worry, for we had a secret weapon.

pull-ups training pants! just wear them, and pull-ups are not a problem. :D

but due t all the muscle building during training, like any other superhero we became..

the mighty maids. :D

so one day as we were making our rounds saving people, i passed a room.

there were two people inside.

one guy was speaking italian (i had no idea what he was mumbling)

and the other was a chinese girl.

suddenly, the chinese blushed. WHY?!

with hypersuperintergalacticbrainwaves i found out the answer. cause she saw the..

fancy changing his clothes in front of her, really.

on a more serious note.

DEATH NOTE! hahaha.

death's serious enough, eh.

i miss you so much. a self inflicted coma.
lyrics this may be. but truth it is, t me.

still fictional.

2007-04-17T09:55:00.000+08:00

today i met gabrielle again.

its been years since i last saw her. her hair was still miraculously ostentatious- how she kept it in the exact same state, i have no idea- it was the hair, that caught my eye, t be entirely honest. she was pretty much the girl i knew before, only a brief discrepancy in her complexion- she was no longer fair. when our eyes met, she blinked for a moment, superseded by a smile. the crooked smile i remembered, one corner of her mouth curling up as though constantly mocking someone. hardly insulting; unique, really. i could swear it was just her mouth shape.

her brown eyes were rimmed ludicrously with long captivating lashes and there was a network of lines that creased in coordination everytime she smiled. despite the undeniable proof of age- wrinkles-
she was still beautiful.

there's something about her that just made her.. different. when she was being nice to you there was a sound she somehow managed t conjure from the back of her throat- a beat of a surpressed laugh, much like a hiccup- and it made whatever you said sound more amusing than it was. when she wasnt, she made it a point you'd know.

a simple hi as we brushed one another, a sensory touch; her shoulder and mine.

followed by a goodbye. and a sweet remembrance, likely forever.

happy birthday.

2007-04-11T10:46:00.000+08:00

its hard t say this without sounding condescending

but thank you guys, for everything/

and you, especially.

happy birthday t me. :D

and the condoms- they're a first, really. :/

its fictional.

2007-04-08T15:51:00.000+08:00

the first time you were brought t my attention was at the library; which, i couldnt remember. but it was a library. it was distinctive, how provocative you were, for a girl your age. yet interesting t see someone brave enough (hardly stupid) t abolish the conventional demure female stereotype. you seemed instinctively familiar, as though i've seen you before, yet i couldnt recall where.

until i saw you again, in campus. it was brief, but i was certain. (that hair colour of yours, its hard t miss, really.) and i knew, i HAD t see you again.

in my search of names i was expecting "melissa", "sasha" or anything of that sounded outgoing, but it had t be the complete polar opposite- Gabrielle. it was a beautiful name, just that i couldnt exactly match the name.. t the face.

it was only later that i found out you worked at the library; i sent in an application.

working with you allowed me t get close t you, t watch and t observe you. it was wonderful- the way you would push the locks of your hair behind your ears, the way your eyes glistened when caught by the light, your disbelieving ignorance t 'please's and 'thank you's, and your dimpled filled laughter.

it was almost psychedelic.

the times when we would accidentally come into contact, your hand against mine. those were the times we were bounded by a handcuff, only invisible,
for an eternal second.

and i thought t myself,

im in love.

2007-04-06T10:56:00.000+08:00

/i thank you

for the reliving of the long lost experience of crying in my sleep.

so i cry in my sleep, how the fuck do i care whether you think im gay or otherwise.

and the apprehension to be friends again, at least eventually.

2007-04-05T22:57:00.000+08:00

how can things get so terrible even when im half the world away from it.
hell, we're not even talking.

everyday i die a little. it just gets worse.

unspoken

2007-04-04T15:33:00.000+08:00

to think you have everything when really, you have nothing at all.

nothing.

blah shit (:

2007-04-01T21:33:00.000+08:00

someone, in exact words-
"why dont you update your stinking blog!"
so here i am.

training has taken up ALOT of my time, i swear. and its evident that has caused my lack of attention during lessons, which is terrible, really. 3/24 for chemistry. not t mention that pep talk from mr lau. but the silliest thing is, despite all the trainings, i cant play for the team, plainly because im retained. warped! my flabber has never been so gasted. anyway, of the matches against three schools, the guys never won a single point. a 5-0 loss t all three. :(
pathetic, i know.

andAND i still cant believe the card i found was yours. (i've said it many times i know) but me, of all people, who are you kidding? namely two embarrassing incidents happened and no, i do NOT want t talk about it!

the parents are scheduled only t be back next saturday, i think. i have roughly a week without nagging and extra extra freedom but therein lies the problem- self control.

i hate my life and i've totally lost the motivation t do anything, anything at all. apart from talking t certain people.

which explains- im absolutely optimistic, i swear!

when its you, work and table tennis.

2007-03-18T10:36:00.000+08:00

268 slides of chemistry. and counting.

its sunday. table tennis camp served its purpose, i guess. just a matter of days and i just about know everyone in it already. (; though the walk t pasir ris and then t east coast park was really, really, absofuckinglutely unneccessary.
what joy can one receive from walking.
25km.

well, you tell me.

its sunday. table tennis took up almost the entire week. and uh, so did kbox stomp the yard and the history boys. but not the point. chemistry. math. history. biology. TESTS.

three of which are due next week. did i say due? i meant HAPPENING. andAND there's table tennis. ohmygod.

the only thing left looking forward t- temasek idol; which basically means one thing- i have a shit life.

i hate t admit, its sunday.

an unfortunate event encapsulated day.

2007-03-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

"Destiny is a good thing t accept when it's going your way. when it isn't, dont call it destiny; call it injustic, treachery, or simple bad luck."

bad luck.

everything has been translated, with the help of something called THE brain. (where's pinky?)

on a pretty fine saturday afternoon, a boy and two other friends got on a bus. the boy was without his student pass, which he then resorted t the usage of coins. *clatter of coins*

bus driver with a disgruntled look: what!
boy: 55 cents, im a student.
bus driver: show me your card.
boy: i wouldnt use coins if i had my card.
bus driver: no card, you're not a student.
boy: wait.
*runs up t his friend, borrows a student pass*
bus driver: is this yours
boy: no, its my friend's.
bus driver: im confiscating it.
boy: WHY
bus driver: illegal use of others' identity card.
boy: im not even using it, im just trying t verify that im a student, we're school mates.
bus driver: im confiscating it.
boy: look, im a student, and if that card doesnt suffice, i'll pay the adult fare, thats all.
bus driver: talk t my manager (bus drivers have managers?!)
boy: and where might he be
bus driver: at the interchange
random person: Oi uncle, i rushing t work you know!
boy: i dont have all the time in the world. you took the money AND the card. and now you want me t go down t the office?
bus driver: talk t my manager (enough with the popstar shit already.)
boy: okay fine.

seems like they do have a policy against borrowing your friend's identity cards. well pengho has t wait five more working days before he gets his card back. or not. im sorry, pengho. ><

after the incident i couldnt have felt worse. all that, over 60 cents. am i being too judgemental, or is the system effing rigid.

anyway. tampines was where i wanted t go, t have my ears pierced, again. both, this time. (it hurt the second time, though.) apparently i had t purchase a standard ticket, and whilst i was doing so, a man came up t me. middle-aged. speaks retardo tongue- basically speaks like a retard.

man: ehh can you help me, i need go serangoon ah, but i no enough money, and i dont know how t go..
i decided t be nice. as usual.
me: okay. i help you check.
~searched for serangoon, bought him a $2.70 ticket, inclusive of $1 deposit.
me: okay we're at bedok now, first you have t alight at cityhall, then change train, and alight at dhoby ghaut before changing again, okay?
man: okay okay.
me: after you're at serangoon you can put this card in the machine and you'll get back a dollar deposit, okay?
man: okay okay.

i took my own ticket and went in. this was when i realised he didnt enter the station, but rather, talked t the man at the control station. shortly after which he left. i was curious; i asked.

me: what did the guy who was here just now ask you about?
guy: oh, he wanted t refund his serangoon standard ticket, he pressed it wrongly.
me: you mean you can actually do that?
guy: yup, if its still unused.
me: oh-kay..

so i got cheated. of course i did explore the possibilities of him cheating me, still i gave him the benefit of the doubt.

it was just a matter of dollars. still.

that wickscoundrelosfrofuciuslousassswipe CHEATED ME.

seriously, does walking around with a pillow really make me such an easy target? ><

whatever happened t conscience. this blog should be renamed-
consciencedoesntexist.blogspot.com.

first day at work.

2007-03-03T13:43:00.000+08:00

finally got down t actually doing something yesterday- work.

working at thai-pan was harder than i thought. >< being a waiter isnt that easy, afterall. the boss's right, the service industry is definitely more sophisticated than it seems. it takes more than just common sense t make a customer feel comfortable.

first day at work, and i've met at least 8 people i know. all with the same expression- "huh! ohmygod, you work here?!"

tough luck? tell me about it.

mylegsarealltiredandmoppingtheflooriswithinthejobscope. ugh.

im going t let you on a little secret i discovered.
when you're working,
TIME DOESNT MOVE!
oh yes, it takes practically forever before 5 hours' up, trust me.

okay, so i get the experience. and a shirt.
5.30-10.30 later, AND ITS A WEEKEND.

godbless.

love is a hug on a difficult day.

2007-02-28T19:37:00.000+08:00

a dedication t mrs loke.

thank you. enough said.

musique.

2007-02-09T10:30:00.000+08:00

i'd never be caught dead singing on stage with siddarth and clarence.
i think.
i feel like singing.

i dont have time for this.

2007-02-08T21:09:00.000+08:00

the blog's apparently inactive. dead, thats what they call it.

there has been this whole issue on who everyone should be going out with on valentines, or maybe just among the guys. what valentine's day should consist of is actually perspective, like how abstract art being considered as abstract, or merely a few variations of ideas put together. to a certain person: what will be will be, dont get all flustered and bothered over it, ya. and even if she doesnt agree, it isnt the end of the world. :D afterall, what kind of animosity can withstand constant perseverance and sincerity? just be sure wht you want, and stick with it.

work just increases by day. bringing along with it stress.
STRESS. STRESS. STRESS. lao shi zai jiang ke ni you mei you zai ting, you mei you, you mei you, you mei you? mei you ma! ><

its not exactly the workload, but rather the work all coming together at the same time.
well this is ta2 for you i guess.
and im loving it. not.

love isnt a possesion, love is an offering. whatever, you.

see no evil. speak no evil. hear no evil.

2007-01-21T23:38:00.000+08:00

on the trip t and back from sungei buloh nature reserve, it was just me and my nano. and maybe the window. judging from the pandemonium the people at the back were probably having a hell of a time- i had t raise the volume of my nano for that.

incidentally amidst the music (and the clutter) i was pre-occupied with a thought- whether i'd rather lose my eyesight, my voice, or my sense of hearing. in the end within myself i came t a consensus (as pengho likes t put it) i really couldnt afford t lose either. like hello thats bullshit, thats what i'd figured you'd say.

my point? we take things for granted, and we all know it. cherish whatever you have, your eyesight, your organs, your loved ones, cause who knows when you might lose it. dont burn late nights just because you dont care. t see t feel t hear. its a blessing, not your prerogative. you only live once, and there isnt enough time for additional regrets.

think about it.

happy 86th birthday grandma. you live t see another year. (;

another day on earth.

2007-01-12T10:49:00.000+08:00

late nights run long, inevitably the thoughts come running in. especially when you're alone, it always ends up with me questioning my own existence. my life has been on the downside, ever since secondary one, when i got posted t dunman high. personally i dont think it has anything t do with the school (but you never know), there are alot of students who are way better off than me ( i mean EVERY student is way better off than i am) but okay whatever. the point is, the discipline records, the retainment, everything. all has but become a part of my 'less than dramatic' life its starting t make me think im probably god's idea of a joke, which some people might second that by saying," but zhihao, you ARE a joke." so yeah, okay. anyway in that sense god has a really bad sense of humour. ><

then, yesterday i was at the hospital, and i saw many children. some suffering from schizophrenia, others, psychiatric disorders. i sort of felt lucky i was at least somewhat normal, with the whole functioning brain thing. and there was this particular girl who was talking t herself, "what is schizophrenia?..... i have schizophrenia!" and she started smiling away. uhh okay. right. then again, according t my observations these spastic children are seemingly happier. is this what they call, ignorance is bliss?

oh well. in any case the world's a shithole, and we're all in it.

they say im lucky.

2006-12-29T11:15:00.000+08:00

i am lucky i dnt live in a ancestral crocodile farm all by myself.
i am lucky i dnt have t travel half an hour into a jungle t get home.
i am lucky i dnt beg for a living.
i am lucky i dnt live in malaysia.
i am lucky im nt physically disabled.
i am lucky im alive.

even still; i'd rather die.

a load of bullshit.

2006-12-19T14:39:00.000+08:00

how does it feel like t have your mouth full of blood?

go visit the dentist.

it was disgusting.

'each time my husband goes down on me, its a disaster. he claims the smell is too strong and unpleasant. what should i do?'

you have a vaginal infection. probably something called bv(short for bacterial vaginosis) that characteristically emits an in-your-face foulness with no hint of remorse. if antibiotics dont do the trick- wasabi will. just kidding. go see your gynae. you'll live.

education is the ability t listen t almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. apparently there are people out there who doesnt understand.

i love paulo coelho and robert frost.

its a phenomenon, known as dejavu.

2006-12-09T10:20:00.000+08:00

its a phenomenon, known as dejavu.

A ferry explosion kills over 500 people and ATF agent Doug Carlin investigates the crime scene. a woman's body (Paul patton) was appeared t have blown up during the explosion, but arrives on the shore a little too soon, which led t the belief that she might have smthing t do with the explosion. Doug was brought in to assist in the investigation, and got attached t a new team which uses satellite technology t directly look back into the past, exactly 4 days and 6 hours. (this part's really kinda cool. you can basically see anyone, anywhere within the perimeter.) gradually doug realises it wasnt just a surveillance unit, but actually a machine which could bring you back in time, possibly save this woman, and stop the disaster.

heres the spoiler: ah just kidding. xD

dejavu was really good. i especially like how the director keeps you thinking. trust me, you got t think. i so totally didnt understand the physics terms, i dont think ANYONE did, but, thats not the point. andAND paul patton SO looks like halle berry.

i hardly get out of a theatre and STILL continue thinking. not t mention, debate with my sister.
(which i won, as usual.)

overall, i wouldnt say its a MUST see. (nothing's a must see.) but a should see?
Definitely.

another of those days.

2006-12-08T10:30:00.000+08:00

okay wow so im blogging again. actually, im nt sure if im going t blog anymore, but we'll see how it goes. ><

pool's killing me. dont get me wrong, i love pool. it justs, ZAPS my money. and apparently i am not secretly filthy rich. as a matter of fact im absolutely broke. money in my wallet? zero. zilch. zot. okay, maybe five cents, or something. but thats completely negligible.

>< >< >< *squint squint* >< >< ><

retarded.yes i am.

and super star was such a let down, it was bad enough dawn had t go. even darren...

im done with superstar. first they let a blind guy win now their promoting the next sophomoric, indolent, uh singing retard. ugh.

wait a minute, that sounds like me.

1 2 3 4.... hi 5!

right. ><

nacho.

2006-07-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

alright. (: its been like one month oh my god. im pretty sure no one visits this place anymore. But ah, thats besides the point.

Been 'reconciled' with dota lately, haha, after like, this really long break from it. yeah and its fun. (; for now, at least. well i guess there's no harm in taking a break from mundane school life and indulging in a little of these 'practices' from time to time. afterall where else can you hear "holy shit!" in such a sonorous and sexy voice. er hem. practically mind blasting. and not forgetting the spilling of blood + the intense use of vulgar language. whoo.

nacho libre.is.like.so.lame.
read this.

OOXXOOXXoXXx.

hug.hug.kiss.kiss.hug.hug.kiss.kiss.tinyhug.kisskiss.tinykiss.

tell me thats not lame. go on. LOL. jack black's definitely jack black.

AND. and. the nacho libre combo is bullshit. its just a nachos combo. man.

anw, my sister's like going on this tian jin exchange programme thing. so theres this china girl in my house right now, staying for like, two weeks. the inconvenience. my precious televsion. =(. bah. but she's quite nice i guess, considering the fact she gave me this china doll present today. BUT. thats not the reason why she's quite nice. she's just, quite nice.

ah whtever.

okay, and i really really need to study. my work's so screwed, i gotta buck up man.

zuo wen, here i come.

i carry your heart with me.

2006-06-29T08:00:00.000+08:00

here's a poem by e.e cummings. interesting poet.

i carry your heart with me,
i carry it in my heart.
i am never without it.
anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is doneby only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate,
for you are my fate, my sweet.
i want no world,
for beautiful you are my world, my true.
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant,
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows;
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
i carry your heart,
i carry it in my heart.

swafawhompledelight.

2006-06-02T15:24:00.000+08:00

2nd june. yes yes. more or less a month since the last post. IM SORRY, OKAY.

havent been in the best of moods lately. perhaps its because of the holidays. where have all the good ole holidays gone? its not that being free from school has turned into a bad thing, but i guess im just not in the mood. gahh. yes. right now my mood is bad, bad, bad.

i'll be heading to bangkok in less than 144 hours, which is like, next week? people who wants presents from me, feel free to ask. i'll not be buying any. (; hahaha, cash-strapped lately. i need a job. damn it.

my mom's in india now, visiting our relatives. not. i suppose the wireless there must be vastly abundant. considering the fact you could create your own phoneline operator if you've the money. hey, and i just realised that statement didnt make any sense. HAHA. and NEVER, EVER, go to india on a holiday. why? cause my mom's there. and she'll bombard you with a godjutrillion questions about me once she realises you even know my name. the worse thing is, she'll end the conversation with a BYE. HAHAHAHAHA. okay. wth. someone kill me? =X

imagine coming back from india and immediately setting off for bangkok. i wonder how my mom can actually stand that. sigh, she'll be speaking gibberish by the end of the trip i tell you. the horrors of being a working individual. *prays to god* i dont want to grow old. =(

imagine wrinkles with viagra. bad combination, really.

poking wires,
loosened braces.
guys' faces,
ignited fires.
a sincere apology,
a living effigy.
only
to tell you,
baby,
i miss you.

everlasting.

2006-05-12T09:03:00.000+08:00

happy birthday daphne!(or however you spell it) haha, i dont really KNOW you, but still, its only polite. besides, it takse up space, so tell me im nice. 15 is pretty much nothing special, it just means you're a year away from sweet 16. thats something worth celebrating, i guess? xD

okay, so i havent been updating. well you cant really blame me, you need inspiration for this kinda things, y'knw.

basically school's been a hell of a headache, and daniel ng's never been worse. due to certain 'reasons' (i have no bloody idea what) from now on, i have to report to school before 7.20, to meet the guy with a notebook in hand. (yes, a notebook. talk to me about primary school.) and uh, just to spice things up, yayness i have to stand right in front of my class during assembly, apparently for easy monitoring. great. nevertheless, things cant get me down to much, cause theres always someone around to make me feel better. (; oh, and not forgetting the electives week. phew.

i can die just looking at you, munch munch owner.

sing a sad song.

2006-05-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

out of all the words in the dictionary, the saddest are these,
it might have been.

the following post shall in no means or another be referred to me. no.

2006-04-24T09:04:00.000+08:00

girls, a must use valentine day's catch phrase. (; especially if you're on a tight diet.

there's something about witty adverts that makes me love them so. they come in good forms of english, they always do. i mean, the same meanings substituted by different words would give a totally different feel, somewhat turned off, dont you think?
eg. sibei ex vegee-tables and shit coloured marshmallows, you shouldnt lah, aiyo.
besides, i suppose its officially proven that guys who speak good english are tentatively more attractive, yes? definitely.

i was talking to my other primary school friend yesterday, lets just call her abdul (;

abdul: and your sucky school's ip debates team beat ours
me: yes, i was there ytd. haha were you? i saw jov. hmm, now thats smthing to mention during our open house (;
abdul: i wasn't i was shopping in orchard. nvm our openhouse will be more fun as usual (:
me: haha. im so sure abdul, im so sure.
abdul: you should be
me: OKAY, right back at me huh.
abdul: haha now we all sound so intellectual
me: haha, we do?
abdul: you type in full sentences!
me: haha, i always do, in case you havent noticed (;
abdul: what has temasek done to you
abdul: you are supposed to be less smart then i am
me: lols, i am i am. thats why im retained, hello.

okay of course there were other factors contributing to the 'intellectual' part, but thats basically the essence of it. ahh essence, i like. it sounds, yummy. (; hahaha, i think i just splattered a whole lot of the conversation. but it'll do you good to spend time reading all this crap, afterall its not like we dont waste our time each bloody day, anyway.

oh, and another thing, i adore fullstops. (;

wow. totally.

2006-04-19T16:15:00.000+08:00

just to let you know, being pretty isnt everything.
being mine, now thats important. (;

baby, smile. (;

dont take things for granted. (;

2006-04-18T23:14:00.000+08:00

i've given it some serious thought. here's my conclusion.

if your face isn't like this,

OR this.

you should be contented.

really. (;

ow.

2006-04-16T10:26:00.000+08:00

hello hello. (;

today's easter, no? haha. and im spending my day at HOME. ahhh. i think i really need to get a life. like seriously. then again, whats the big deal about easter, anyway. hell, im not even christian. hahaha.

new specs. (;

haha, yes. i've got new spectacles. hm, totally black on the outside, totally white on the in. so it looks sort of black white. quite nice, really. well at least to me it is. ha. call me a narcissist. self obsession was never really my thing anyway.

and i passed all my tests, after slight moderation, though. still, i passed (; basically the only few things to be happy about these few days.

mardi gras was alright, and our stall made a profit =) although it was less than twenty bucks. a profit is STILL a profit. we could've done away with the banner, though. it was black and i realised it was pretty incomprehensible in the dark. that'll mean good-bye to the paint too, which amounts to saving like, 15 bucks? yeah. but oh well, alls fair in mardi gras and business. =X ha.

i hate having a stomache, it hurts my stomach. HAHA. wtf.

just another stupid post.

2006-04-10T10:23:00.000+08:00

been spending the past week at home, almost died of incessant waves of boredom. god, life couldnt get worse than this. tv, computer, tv. tv, computer, tv. haha, watching cable is one thing, ENJOYING it is another. or maybe its just that i didnt find a suitable channel. ahh, whatever. haha.

ANYWAY, yesterday's miss singapore universe was hilarious. they found some extras to go on stage and did alil catwalk. gosh, singapore could seriously have done a better job. it seemed like some talentsearch for the ugliest girls or oldest ah mas on stage. i mean, hey, i know its the inside that matters, but cmon, just LOOK at them. haha, and i was like asking zihui ytd, do the girls really have such a thick waist or is it just my 42 inch plasma. hahaha. okay. nevermind. oh no, i think im being really really critical;bastard;sick fart; and the likes. heck.

yayness, im officially going insane and i have ABSOLUTELY no idea why.

damnation.

i've never been to me.

2006-03-27T01:36:00.000+08:00

1.35, its officially monday. school starts, again. time seems to pass ever so quickly, everytime we want it to go slow; crawls when we wish things to get over fast. life, its basically a parody of its own isnt it.

the past week had been a bad one, with tests and all. chinese. =X urgh. today; yesterday rather, was probably the best day i had in the week. went out with my best friend, caught a movie, did stuff, i seemingly hadnt done in a long while. it feels good to be out, and go crazy over little things. thats the thing about being with close friends; you dont have to hide behind a facade, no fake smiles, no necessity to look your best every minute, for fear you might become a laughing stock. and for that period of time, be genuinely you. i wished time lasted longer, it was like an instant of happiness, and poof, gone. (no it did not became koko-krunch) but it was pretty much a good thing. afterall, we wouldnt appreciate the company that much if we were together all the time. sigh, humans. we just take too many things for granted.

if you ask me, i'll tell you laughters never come from the heart. smiles do. very much irrelevant, but it sort of just blew cross my mind. heavy heart, bottled up shit. its like all my problems chucked in, locked and someone just threw away the god damn key. crap, i cant do this.

just a random riddle my friend told me. theres this bunch of men, who went to fight a war. they won the war but came back wearing bras and panties. why?

they came back in Triumph.

on a lighter note, at least there isnt any tests tommorrow. hell you dont know how much i appreciate that. oh and theres this song, i've never been to me. which is really, really nice. credits to shirleen shiao for the introduction. an oldie, but definitely a song worth hearing.

i've been to paradise,
but i've never been to me.

comfort zone.

2006-03-19T00:52:00.000+08:00

its been a month since i've last blogged, but it seemed longer than i thought. no one comes here anymore i suppose, but then again i dont really care. haha. ahh, was in the shower again today (suppose thats where all my inspirations come from), and thought about something which i felt was kind of, well, true.

smthing like how people, in general tend to stay within their comfort zones, and never coming out unless they really have to, or forced to, in a certain sense. and most people just stay in this nutshell all their lives, without even trying to break out of it, to explore all that lays beyond. then again, they probably dont even realise they could. what im talking about here is comfort zones, which includes everything you're familiar with, the things you do ever so often everyday. everything else, is out of the zone. and yeah, i wouldnt say its bad to stay in your comfort zone, i mean, afterall, its.. comfortable. but the point here is, if you do, then you'll never learn and develop.

so i really think we cannot remain static and all, cause if we continue remaining within our comfort zone we'll discover eventually that fewer and fewer things we do are comfortable, and we get restricted. take starting a family, for example. yes at first the excitement is there, then as we do the same things over and over again, the novelty soon wears off. familiarity breeds laziness and things start to like, you know, becomes sorta a routine. 'its friday, lets all have pizza as usual', or like 'sunday is the day to get the car washed'. we soon stop making friends, lose touch with old ones. it also shrinks your social skills. which is BAD, very very bad.

and it might just become a problem, cause many people are doing less and less as time passes along, and staying within their comfort zones become 'oh-so-important'. they lose their interest in living, and everything seems all so boring. ' oh, im too old for that.' or things like, ' hell with the picnic, lets just stay home and watch tv.' even me, i suppose i prefer staying within my comfort zone, too. but im trying, really. haha. oh well, it isnt difficult really, if we put our mind to it, that is. hm, i shall start off with talking to three new people i never knew. (;

and heres a statement; a question rather, for you to ponder over,
'when was the last time you bathed with cold water?'

life.

2006-02-12T05:05:00.000+08:00

its been some time since i blogged. haha and i know my blog is practically empty. oh well. anyway just now i was taking my shower and out of the blue, i had this rather daunting thought of death. I haven't exactly been using my time in a constructive way lately so probably that's why i felt i was wasting my time and as we all know, it's already '06 now. every single day you are a step closer to the end of your life.

come to think of it, what have i achieved this lifetime? i don't really know. i probably havent. then again, i don't believe in afterlife; i wouldnt know anyway, unless i've finally met my end. so death to me is actually pretty much going into a state of royal slumber, without thoughts and feelings whatsoever.

as we all grow older by day, i finally realise something; life's short. a pretty 'encouraging' thought, actually. i should probably sleep as little as possible and experience everything at least once. somehow, when i thought of experiencing everything at least once, or anything for that matter.. i thought of one night stand. haha i have no idea why. but okay i guess its alright to be bad at least once in your life. then again, being bald would be kinda cool too. i mean, who knows? the life we're living now might be the last chance you will ever breathe the air you are breathing in right now. might as well make the best out of it. love like theres no tomorrow. let someone hurt you in the worst way he/she can. break a limb. pierce your belly. go tell someone you hate him right in the face. good or bad, its all an experience. we're all dying anyway.

live it.

the thong edition.

2006-02-01T21:34:00.000+08:00

and there he was, the silhouette i saw, of that stout little man. my heart raced, as he drew closer from the sports complex. the man i dread; ah thong.
please, dont come here.
small yet fast steps he took, and finally, with a sigh of relief, headed to the general office.
it wasnt like i was afraid of the man or anything, but rather, wanted to stay away from him, as far as possible.
the sky was dark, and stars were only handful, as were the students in the canteen.

i slumped back on the steel chair, with my head laid back. closing my eyes, i thought about my life, my family, and my friends. thoughts about my life floated to the surface in my head, hitting me like waves, one after another. i felt tired, really tired. compared to those living in africa, kenya, i agree, im much better off. but then again, who really understands what a sad life im living, now? and surprisingly, it has nothing to do with love relationships.

the swirling of the fan blades was soon accompanied by the approaching of foot steps.
ah thong?
with a cross of the fingers i opened my eyes. in front of me were two well, rather short girls. not thong. phew. it was vivian and hong mian.
they invited me to dinner, just opposite the compounds of the school, which after much contemplation i had rejected, because i seriously felt tired. and the need to go home; a place, i realised, where only had the services of a 3 star hotel, yet the comfort even a 6 star couldnt provide. a place, i didnt treasure, not even now.

at the same time, i had hoped by staying a little later, i could reduce the risk of running into ah thong on the way out. afterall, the man wouldnt stay in school that late, i figured.

i took off, about 5 mins later, with a tablet in hand. the canteen was empty, besides a few packet drinks, which were left lying around the tables. and to think just this afternoon the place was bustling with students. on the way out, i spotted gavin, someplace close to the bouldering area. my voice was already rather hoarse, for i had a really bad sorethroat, topped up with a flu. i called out to him, nevertheless. i stopped my exit for a few minutes, for he had asked me to wait for him. after a glance at his watch, he said, nevermind.

we said goodbyes, and parted. i felt slightly better, after seeing him. for he is a good friend, someone i can share even my darkest secrets to. come to think of it, i couldnt really remember when we started talking, but my guess was when we were all retained, under the same trc.

alas, i walked out of the front gate. with a deep breath, i took in the fresh air. and i smiled, for the first time, today. it felt like i was released from something, something opressing. i tucked out my shirt, and took off my tie. i felt so much more comfortable. then i paused, when i heard familiar voices behind me. looking behind, i saw kai jie, zhong ting and keng sheng. with a smile, we all intended to cross the road when a voice, somewhat high pitched, yet a little hoarse, said,
"zhihao."

it was distinct. and i was sure, it was thong.

"tuck in your shirt properly, now!"

i turned around, and saw that square jaw inside the frame of the car window, staring right at me.

i tucked in my shirt, with the tablet clipped between both my legs.

amidst all the tucking in, i asked myself, is this destined? after all that i tried to hide away from him, he still had to get me, in the end. i had purposely waited longer, wasted some time talking to gavin, even keng sheng and the bunch. then there he was, at the right time, right place. what are the chances, bumping into him, right OUTSIDE the school gate, at this time?

"see me tommorow, at the flag pole. 7.20, is that clear?"

he took off, and as soon as he drove out of sight, i tucked my shirt out, again. i couldnt believe myself, it seemed to me as though it was my fate, my fate to be caught by him, no matter how hard i tried to avoid.

the trip home was a long one, and a sad one, too.

melancholy.

2006-01-16T00:25:00.000+08:00

heyyy. y'all. its past twelve; a monday, officially. i decided to blog, to make it like a regular sort of thing. yeah. sighs. solitude. what a feeling.

sitting down here, im shrouded by darkness, except for the light reflecting off the monitor screen. and i wonder, if im really alone. everyone's asleep, yet im awake, in front of my computer. typing this post. i feel philosophical, but i aint thinking straight.. i cant, at least. its either theres too many thoughts in my mind, or im just too tired. listening to an emotional song. and my mood, kinda sad. but the thing is, i like that feeling. yeah, surprisingly, i do. it lets me feel of an urge to do smthing; smthing different. but its a pity, i normally sleep this feeling off. and when i wake up, its gone. and i'll be feeling me, again. i guess its gonna be the same, tonight.

ha, people say it'll be better to get things off ur chest. even i, tell that to my frens. but i guess if it happens to you, it wouldnt be that easy. i wonder if shouting from some place high helps, ive never tried... it probably does, the fact its sorta a venting method. ahh fuck. im answering my own questions. i tnk i dont make much sense do i. haha.

feelings, i wonder how would we be, without them.

i tnk im just gonna go sleep. fucking tired. this shall be one hella of a short post.
and a lousy one, i know.

i just hope to survive school. and if possible, sneak in a few smiles of my own. genuine, ones.

rain o' rain

2006-01-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

ahh heyy people. i was going through my old files today and i chanced upon smthing i had wrote awhile back. yeah i might just as well share it with everyone here. it aint shakespeare for sure, but hey, at least it reflects my thoughts. so... this is how it goes,

Rain o’ rain.
What do I see inside of me.
A man, a knight with dignity.
Living a life of distraught,
As meanings in life comes to a halt.

Looking around attentively,
I see nothing less than hypocrisy.
colleagues with smiles on their face,
bootlicking the boss, a mere disgrace.

Standing up I shouted out loud,
“I want freedom and I want to get out!
To run from this horrible place,” I say,
Away from the pressure I face everyday.

Packing my bags I no longer had to stay,
My heart felt light, happy and gay.
Out of the building into the rain,
Dancing with my briefcase as though I’m insane.

The rain kept falling down,
With drops of water hitting the ground.
Bringing life upon the land,
Into the pastures, into the sand.

My shirt was drenched, my face was wet,
But I didn’t care, I felt so glad.
But then again, was I happy or sad?
What about the family I had?

Rain o’ rain.
Boon or bane.